Minute OpEd: in Fifty Words or Fewer

I am appalled at the State of California’s huge backward step in election participation. I am being forced to vote by mail in Sacramento County, in a shortsighted, archaic social experiment, practically guaranteed to drive down voter participation.

Neighborhood polling stations have been closed. That’s right: Closed. And although the County spent millions printing and mailing the ballots, they are not paying the return postage. Can anyone spell “poll tax?” And that’s not even my biggest complaint with this.

Does anyone even use the post office anymore? I mean, aren’t they closing those places? Where do I even find a post office — in a museum? I don’t receive or pay my bills in the US Mail anymore. Does anyone? I do it online. Or even better, in an app. Thanks to Obamaphone, everyone has a smart phone. If you don’t, you can get one for free (see “poll tax,” supra).

Why the step back into the stone age, California? Voting by mail is not the future. Duh. Isn’t this the world’s fifth largest economy? Is California not the center of innovation? Did we not create the internet? Are we not home to Apple and Google? If we want to update, upgrade the voting system, save money, and (yes) increase security and reduce voting fraud, is not voting on our smartphones via an online app the next logical step?

I, for one, love the nostalgia of walking into my neighborhood polling station, greeting my neighbors, and lodging my votes. But I realize progress is inevitable. Yet, this is not progress — it is a huge step backward.

I refuse to participate in your backward voting experiment. I will not vote by mail. I will not pay your poll tax. I hereby register my resistance at the appropriate government office. Thank you Big Brother, for proving once again you have no vision, no concept of the future. Get ready for record low voter turnouts.

Now, go buy some scented stamps and prove me wrong.